Our not-so-cracking first Christmas

Our first Christmas with our two adopted children two years ago was so ridiculously stressful it was more pantomime than pleasure. And it’s all my fault. At least, that’s what I think. I was so determined to make it their most amazing Christmas ever I practically force fed them Christmas songs from the minute we all woke up, which was 4am, until the minute we all crashed, about 5pm. One of the most wonderful things about finally having your children is to give them a special Christmas, and I think the pressure got to me.

Firstly, we weren’t organised. I thought wrapping presents on Christmas Eve would be really sweet and 'Christmassy'. In reality we were putting together a Castle of Doom that had 147 separate parts at midnight on Christmas Eve with my co-mummy who had the on-set of Swine Flu, but we didn’t know that at the time. The children woke us up at 4am and I thought it would be a good idea to go open the presents ‘because it’s our first Christmas’. This meant we were tired and grumpy, the kids were in an absolute frenzy and the whole event felt like a speed unwrapping contest. They were tossing box sets of books to the side and ripping open the next one. All the while Dean Martin is in the background banging on about how much he want’s to let it snow.

Fast-forward about 6 hours and I’m getting on with the dinner. Something I love to do. I hear a blood-curdling scream. After running up the stairs at breakneck speed I discover our children’s co-mummy holding her eye and crying out in pain. A toy gun that fired plastic discs has cracked her contact lens in her eye. Our little girl is crying because she has had the toy taken off her. It was like World War 3. Do they even know it’s Christmas? Once this was cleared up and the tears, from both mummy and daughter, were cleared up it was dinnertime. My co-mummy couldn’t taste a thing due to being ill, our son gobbled down what he could in 3 seconds to get playing again and our little girl cried when she looked at her plate because she didn’t like any of it.  

Finally, we were rescued by friends and asked to go for a walk at around 3pm. This was my favourite part of the day. There was snow on the ground and we had a sledge. It was fabulous. We got back home around 4.30 and both kids crashed out completely at 5. We carried them up to bed and that was that. First Christmas… done.

Thankfully, I learned a few good lessons from this and last year our Christmas was truly wonderful. This year, we have Grandparents and siblings over so it should be even better. We now have a 7am rule for getting up and more tracks on our Christmas playlist so we don’t hear Mariah Carey 17 times in one day.   I bet I’m not the only adoptive mum who experienced this. The pressure we put on ourselves is immense. I just wanted it to be the stuff that memories are made of. I suppose I did achieve that. We still laugh about it now.    

Adoption stories

Hello again. Long time no blog. That's because I'm not really a 'blogger' as such, but I am a writer.

I am hoping to write a book about the adoption process. The home visits, the training, panel and matching etc. If any of you have any stories you would like to share with me please drop me an email or comment on here. I'm after true stories, anecdotes, quotes and thoughts. Whether they're good or bad, happy or sad, you could help me write a book that gives people a balanced, insightful look into the adoption process itself.

Rather than being an academic style handbook, this is about real stories and positive attitudes. The adoption process gets so much bad press it potentially puts people off in their hundreds, and we need good adopters to give forever homes to the children that deserve them. Have you got something to say? Then please say it to me and it could make it into a book for potential adopters to read.

I look forward to hearing your stories.

Helen x

Adoption Week

When you get to the point at which you feel adoption is right for you, you can usually expect a maddening response from the people you tell. They suck their teeth, much like a plumber pricing up a job, and say, ‘oooh, isn’t it really horrible and difficult to get through?’ Then it’s, ‘Training, why do you need training? Regular parents don’t need training.’ Well, no they don’t, and perhaps they should, but this is very different. Besides, they don’t train you to be a parent they train you to understand what it feels like to be adopted. With all this negativity and the regular scary headlines, it’s hardly encouraging, is it? It’s National Adoption Week this week and it’s time we all started to be more positive about adoption.

My partner and I adopted two children two years ago and contrary to what the teeth-sucking, concerned well-wishers might tell you, we actually enjoyed the process. Genuinely. And we’re not the only ones. Thousands of successful adopted families would agree it’s a process worth going through. But who knows how many people are put off by the negative attitudes surrounding adoption and never go through with it.   

You know how parents will tell you they could lift a car from off their child or stop a train with their own body because they love them so much? So could I. I absolutely know I could do any of those things if something threatened my children and I cannot believe there are any other parents out there who love theirs one drop more than we love ours. But to get to this point as an adoptive parent you have to go through the process. It is a means to a very wonderful end and not something to dread or be defensive about it. If you want to adopt, no matter what brought you to this decision, you do have to go through training and the process and you know what, enjoy it. Think of it as if you’re pregnant, but you can still drink.

Recently, our son brought a very inquisitive friend home for tea and I thought my head would explode with all the questions he asked us. ‘So where did you come from? Whose tummy did you come out of? Where did you live before here?’ It went on but we both answered his questions honestly and simply. His last question, and by this time he was a little exasperated, was, ‘but who’s your real mum?’ Our little boy pointed at me. The memories of all the meetings, home visits and panels slipped away right there and then.

There are some aspects to the adoption process that can feel a bit uncomfortable. It can take a long time, longer than the average pregnancy certainly. It can be difficult answering questions about your life and who you are. It can be tense, constantly waiting for meetings to happen and for a panel date to be set. But you know what? So it should be. Social workers that are assessing people to be prospective adoptive parents have a job to do and they absolutely have to get it right. The children they are placing with forever families deserve to go to parents who have been thoroughly checked out and have thoroughly thought it through. We’re the grown ups. We can take a bit of discomfort for the sake of children who have had a tumultuous time.

Our little girl came downstairs the other night, half sleep walking, half wanting a cuddle. Long after she had fallen back to sleep snuggled in my arms I sat there just taking it all in. Holding her tight and listening to her soft little snores. It was just the two of us on the sofa and I didn’t want to take her back to bed. All I could think about is how much I love her and how much I love being her mummy every single day. Now that’s certainly worth a few uncomfortable questions and exercising a little bit of patience.

The next time someone tells you they are thinking of adopting, don’t tell them how hard it can be. Tell them what a wonderful thing it is they’re doing. And if you’re about to go through it, stick with it. Enjoy it. Learn as much as you can from the training and from your social worker. Just like they say women forget the pain of childbirth afterwards, the same goes for the adoption process so start to see this as the amazing opportunity it is and get excited about it.